So, who is Britain's deadliest family? Obviously, by "deadly" I don't mean the stereotypical set of chav's who dine on a daily diet of chips, crisps, crack, fags and Red-Bull, dress in matching terry towelling tracksuits, drip in Lizzie Duke gold(plated) chains, and have almost as many brain-cells as they have teeth, whose snaring pit-bull is their intellectual equal, who wear a sovereign ring on each finger to stop their knuckles scraping on the floor, whose social high-point was "kicking off" in a (let's be honest, "pre-rehearsed") spiteful spat on Jeremy Kyle, and who most of their neighbours avoid because they're a little bit "shouty". No, by "deadly" I mean a family with whom death has become synonymous, almost as if death follows them about.
Or perchance, having just watched the excellent Tom Hardy in Legend (an awful title but a highly watchable film), it's the East End's terrible twosome, those terrifying twins, Ronnie & Reggie Kray who fits the bill? Well...?
Sorry, it was not either of them.
You see, in Britain we have a population of over sixty-four million people, but - thankfully, unlike America - we have an incredibly low murder rate, which averages out at roughly three hundred people per year, just over one person per day (a high proportion of which are sex workers*). And yet, if you were to look at your family tree, it's very unlikely that any of your families will befall a colossal personal tragedy, such as one murder every two or three hundred years.
Where-as Britain's deadliest family has a higher mortality rate than most others when it comes to murders, executions, assassinations, and mysteriously unexplained deaths. So, who are they? They are, of course, The British Royal Family - a dynasty beset by tragedy.
Left to Right: don't know, don't know, don't know, God knows, who cares, someone, thingy, whatsit, doo-dah, him, her, it, richy rich, horse-face, toothy, posho, Little Miss No-Job, no idea, the gay one, the gay one's "wife", the one with the fit sister-in-law ("oh Pippa"), Charlie, Lizzie, Phil, Linda McCartney and James Hewett Jnr. **
Unnatural Deaths in the British Royal Family (1000BC to today)
A pretty deadly family wouldn't you say? And there's probably a whole heap of other murders, mischief, misery and mysteries I haven't uncovered as I've mostly focused on the Monarchs, the Queen, their kids, and anyone who happened to "cark it on the carzi" or died with "a red hot poker up their arses". But if you know of any others, please let me know in the comments section below. Now that's a family history I bet they don't tell on a guided tour of Buckingham Palace?
* Sex-workers in the UK are 42 times more likely to be murdered than the average person
** yes, I know it isn't Linda McCartney, this is called sarcasm
Michael J Buchanan-Dunne is a writer, crime historian and tour-guide who runs Murder Mile Walks, a guided tour of Soho’s most notorious murder cases, hailed as “one of the top ten quirky & unusual things to do in London” and featuring 18 murderers, 3 serial killers, across 21 locations, totalling 75 deaths, over just a one mile walk.
Michael J Buchanan-Dunne is a crime historian, writer and tour guide of Murder Mile Walks.