Cannibalism - #11: The Yummy Bits

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TRANSCRIPT OF EPISODE: Cannibalism (munching) “could you eat a whole human being? (munching) With the help of a doctor, a scientist and a chef, I set out to see if it’s possible. Cannibalism: part eleven – the yummy bits”. (burp)

Thighs and buttock are the go-to hunks of meat that all cannibals love, which makes sense.

Joachim Kroll, known as ‘The Ruhr Cannibal’ was a serial killer, paedophile and necrophile who savaged at least eight women and girls in the Ruhr region of Germany from 1955 to 1976. Slicing off ‘steak sized’ cuts from each of their buttocks and thighs, with girls some being as young as four, he claimed it was “a tender meat”, and serving them with carrots and potatoes, he did it he said “to save on grocery bills”.

As a sadist, it’s likely his motive wasn’t financial but sexual, but with thighs being packed full of calories (13,300 for those on Steve our average UK male), it has the second highest calories of the main muscles, with roughly 15,500 for the buttocks, 7400 for the biceps, 4500 for the calves, and just 1700 for both forearms.

But what are the tastiest parts of a human body?

As seen with ‘The Ruhr Cannibal’, the buttocks known as Gluteus Maximus are the largest and heaviest muscle in the body. Said by Ugandan warlords to be “flavoursome” owing to the intermuscular fat, it has a balance of “tenderness and texture being rich and gelatinous”, and ideal for a slow cooked stew.

But as Heriberto Lazcano, kingpin of the Los Zetas cartel knew, stressed meat makes for bad meat, as stress increases its pH level, making it darker, firmer and drier. As a mad Mexican who loved roasting his enemy’s buttocks, before being murdered, he made them bathe for two hours, gave them whiskey to reduce their adrenaline, and then served thin slivers of their backsides as tasty tamales on toast.

The tongue is said to be “soft, tender with a luxurious taste” according to a Ugandan vendor in Lugazi where human meat is sold. As a 3 inch long by 1 inch wide muscle weighing roughly 100grams, the papillae and mucous membrane are said to give it a light crackling when seared, and although a favourite of Russian serial killer Andrei Chikatilo who severed his victim’s lips, nipples and tongues with his teeth, there’s no solid proof that he ate them.

Famously, fictional serial killer Hannibal Lecktor preferred a person’s liver and their sweetbreads, and many chefs agree. Sold in high end restaurants, sweetbreads refer to the thymus gland, a vital part of all immune systems as it trains T-cells. Called ‘sweet’ in calves as they have “a mild, less savoury flavour than lamb or beef”, in human’s it weighs just 40–50 grams, and situated between the lungs and behind the breastbone, it is suggested “it is really creamy, with a smooth and velvety texture” like oysters.

An unnamed surgeon suggested the face, as being used for eating and emoting, unlike our skeletal muscles, they are “thin, soft, rarely tear, have a low fat-content” and with 30 muscles on each side of the face, the best could be around the jaw. Back in 2012, Rudy Eugene, dubbed ‘The Causeway Cannibal’ was shot and killed by police officers as he ate the face (including the eyebrows, nose, cheek, some of the forehead and the left eye) of fellow homeless man Ronald Poppo. With drugs ruled out as a cause, and with no known motive for his cannibalistic crime, hunger was ruled out as – unlike with most supposed cannibals - an autopsy determined that Rudy had no human flesh in his stomach.

The cheeks are said to be the meatiest parts of a sheep or cow’s face, having evolved for grazing, but with human cheeks being between 30 and 65 mm thick, they would hardly make a sufficient meal.

The eating of another person’s face is likely to be more symbolic than a culinary choice, like in 1995, when Marinaldo de Alcântara Silva, a Brazilian farmer shot his own mother following a long and bitter dispute, he then decapitated her, ripped off her eyes, lips, nose and tongue, and then ate the pieces”.

What’s lacking within cannibals is class. Jeffrey Dahmer ate his meat with ketchup. Isakin Drabbad the Skara Cannibal of Sweden murdered his girlfriend and ate the flesh of her arms and legs, which he pan-fried with salt and home-grown cannabis. And Nathaniel Bar-Jonah, the prolific child molester and suspected cannibal was said to have served the meat of a child at a neighbourhood barbeque.

But eating human flesh needn’t be so uncultured. According to Damien Casten of Candid Wines, there are suitable wines for each piece of meat, stating; "I'd guess that uncooked face is chewy. If there’s no time to braise, I'd need a ton of acid to cut through the 'meat,' so I'm going to pull a young grand cru Riesling”, for the delicacy of the brain “the grey matter is best paired with a Chenin Blanc”, a liver wouldn’t suit nice Chianti as Hannibal Lecktor suggests “as it’s a little too light for the fattiness of the liver… so a Barolo would be better choice", with the sweetbreads suiting “the Lopez Malbec owing to its cherry flavours and aromas”, whereas other sommeliers suggested “pinot noir for the cheeks, shiraz for the tongue, and beer for the nose and lips”. Interestingly, Nic Pelaez of Saltbox Dining suggested for the flesh “I would pick a meaty person, a smoker, someone who enjoys berries”, basically “the lazier the better - they’re more tender. So I’d stick to couch potatoes and video-gamers".

But when questioned, many medical experts agreed that the best human meat to eat was the Psoas, known as the loin muscles. Situated inside the pelvis, they connect the legs to the vertebrae, and being almost fat-free, once the tendon is removed, they are soft, tender and are regarded as the “human filet mignon”. And with only 40% of humans having a psoas minor, for cannibals, that muscle would be a rare delicacy.

So, you were wrong Jeffrey Dahmer, the filet mignon of meats wasn’t the thigh, and being a scumbag, he probably threw away the best bits, and washed a thigh down with a god-awful beer like Budweiser. Yuck.

Join me tomorrow to uncover what are the worst parts of a human body to eat.