“How to Spot if your Work Colleague is a Serial Killer”

The thing about serial killers is the second they are caught, charged and incarcerated, it’s always their work colleagues who are first to complain that “no-one could possibly have known that he or she was a mass murderer” - with a penchant for prancing about in human-skin slippers, meeting new people and a “making a nice stew” – all because, “they seemed… so normal”. And yet “seeming normal” is all part of a serial killer’s charm and armour, as they lay an intricate bait to lure their next victim in with a clever concoction of kindness, camaraderie and a strange kind of kinship, especially for a “work colleague”, which many would later describe (in court) as a friendship.

So, is the person sitting at the desk next to you a mass-murderer? And if they were, how would you know? Is it in the eyes? Is it their smile? Or is there just something deeply unsettling about the way they’re tucking into that bacon butty, looking at you, and licking their lips?

What follows are a series of infallible top tips to help you spot if your work colleague is a serial killer… and (hopefully) stop your skin being flayed into a nice pair of brogues. Ask yourself:

• Are they very touchy-feely; always feeling the need to hug, kiss or tenderly stroke your hair, their skin against yours, their lips tasting your musk, their flared nostrils inhaling your scent, and all with no real reason other than… they’re very “tactile”?
• Are you on first-name terms? Have they abbreviated your surprisingly concise and easy to pronounce birth name to Shurl’, Pete’, V’ or Babes? Or have they marked you with a playful nickname such as “treacle”, “dumpling” or “sweetie”, all of which are synonymous with food.
• Without warning, do they often remove an erroneous eye-lash, stray hair and dandruff fleck from your person? If they do, have you ever seen them bin said “body part”… or do they save this souvenir as part of an on-going shrine which is almost complete bar one missing piece?  You.
• Have they recently become “a big fan of offal” hailing it as an “undiscovered culinary gem”?
• Do they love eating raw meats, such as “very blue steaks”, “sushi”, "steak tartare" or any hot-dog served by a street-vendor?
• Did they recently “go vegan”? Ask yourself, who would do such a crazy thing other than an over-indulgent cannibal who gets their protein fix… in private?
• Do they have a fondness for wearing the flayed flesh of dead animals, such as leather, suede, sheepskin, wool, furs or feathers? And if they are vegan, do they vehemently insist that their leather comes from “special cows who willingly died”, none of which they can ever prove?
• Is their idea of wearing something cheerful, wearing black… but adding a “splash of red”?
• Do they drink red wine? Are they single? And do they burst into tears for no particular reason? Usually within close vicinity to a bath, sink, loo or anything with a drain?
• In their desk, have they got ensconced a handy can of Febreeze, the odour eliminator?
• Do they often bring in a “packed lunch” in a sealed box rather than “eating out” with others?
• Are they always arranging social occasions, at which an invitee – strangely - fails “to turn up”, or afterwards (following an embarrassing about of puking) never returns to work?
• Even on days when it isn’t going to rain, do they carry a waterproof wipe-clean rain-mac?
• Are they the “go-to-person” when you’re in need of tissues, plasters, wet-wipes, tooth-picks, a Swiss army knife, duct-tape, cling film, string (a rope substitute) or a map of Epping Forest?
• How many times a day do they call their "mother"? More than once a day? Nuff said.
• How many times a day to they use hand-sanitiser (which kills all germs… and someone else’s DNA)
• Do they claim to have a “partner”, and yet, no-one has never met them?
• When house-hunting, are they absolutely obsessed with ”storage spaces, lofts, basements” and whether the oak floor beams can be “taken up”? If yes, are they converting a room and are having difficulties with builders who “dig where they shouldn’t” but “will be got rid of soon enough”?
• Have they recently purchased a “chef’s knife set” (complete with the super-sharp knives which can easily split a tin-can in half), and yet they’re barely capable of boiling an egg?
• Out of kindness, have they ever made you a cup of tea or coffee, and yet, during the afternoon, after a hard day at work, you suddenly feel “very tired”?
• On Fun Fridays, without fail, do they turn up with big tray of “treats for everyone”? If yes, are they apologising for something they’ve done, or something they are about to do?
• Have they developed a sudden interest in gardening, including buying a spade, a saw, an axe, gloves, plastic sheeting and lots of “aromatic herbs”, even though everything they touch “dies”?
• When receiving a holiday postcard, do they feel obliged to read it out aloud so everyone can hear that said “friend” is “safe, well, having a lovely time and probably not coming back”?
• Do they own a pair of very mucky, badly scuffed, horrifically soiled pair of trainers, which are sat, in a bag, under their desk, even though they’ve never been seen jogging?
• As you pack away your work things, do they seem strangely interested in what you are “getting up to tonight”, and yet, they make this sound like mildly disinterested passing-the-time chit-chat?
• Do their social media updates seem more like alibis, consisting of hastily forced photos of them, with friends, in a very recognisable place, tagged with a date, time, location and a LOL?
• Does their bag always carry the essentials for a quick disguise to outwit the Police, such as a hat, glasses, hair extensions, far too much make-up for one face, and quick acting diet pills?
• Do they pick up hitch-hikers? Do they car-share? Do they have a HGV licence?
• Do they own a shredder, a blender, a juicer, and an oversized refrigerator?
• Do they use phrases such as “burying the hatchet”, “nobody died”?
• Do they have a “very determined walk”?
• Do they bite their nails? (it’s a starter for cannibals)
• Right now, are they looking at you?

If you can answer “yes” to at least ten of the above observations, then you are almost certainly sitting next to a murderer, or at least someone who’s a bit unhinged? But are they a serial killer? To find out, share this list with your “chief suspect”:

If they read this bit and laugh, they’re possibly a serial killer. If they suggest that this ”sounds like” another colleague, they’re probably a serial killer, and that “colleague” has very possible been fashioned into an amazing show. Bag and belt combo. Where-as if they remain expressionless, they are without doubt, Britain’s worst mass-murderer ever. Well, that, or just reeeaallly boring. Either way… RUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUNNNNNNNN!!!!!!!

Michael J Buchanan-Dunne is a writer, crime historian and tour-guide who runs Murder Mile Walks, a guided tour of Soho’s most notorious (and often forgotten) murder cases, featuring 18 murderers, 3 serial killers, across 21 locations, totalling 75 deaths, over just a one mile walk.
www.murdermiletours.com