Sex Life in Prison; Sex-Aides, Masturbation, Abstinance, Prison Gay

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So this week’s question is how do you maintain a sex-life in a UK prison?
Most of the world’s prisons have what’s known as ‘conjugal visits’, where the prisoner’s legal spouse (whether wife, husband or civil partner) is allowed a scheduled period of time (a few hours, or even a few days) with their loved-one, in a private part of the prison (or an external facility designed for the purpose) where they can get reacquainted with each other, as this increases their chances of returning to an ordinary life after prison. These visits are usually given to low-risk prisoners, coming to the end of a long prison sentence.

Many countries allow conjugal visits: In Canada the prisoner is permitted a 72 hour visit every three months with 48 hours for maximum security prisoners (maple syrup and mooses are not provided). In Spain, they are allowed a three hour visit every four to eight weeks (obviously these are scheduled around their daily five-hour mid-afternoon snooze), in a private room with clean bedsheets, towels and condoms provided. For Spanish couples held in the same prison, conjugal visits are also allowed every few months, but only for 20 minutes. 20 minutes? I know. What do they do for the other 19? In Belgium, conjugal visits are only allowed for high security prisoners if their spouse is an inmate as well, or if they’re in an open-prison. In Russia, they’re allowed two 72 hour visits a year. In France, one 72 hour visit a year. To curb the spread of HIV in prison, in Zimbabwe, conjugal visits were allowed in 1998. And in Brazil, conjugal visits are only allowed for male prisoners (whether homosexual or heterosexual), but not for female convicts. Go figure.

And yet, conjugal visits in prison are still banned in England, Northern Ireland, Scotland and Wales, and once again, this year, a petition to allow them was rejected by the British government.

That said, home visits from UK prisons are allowed, as by letting a low-risk prisoner near the end of a long sentence return to his/her home, that’s an incentive to behave well, work hard and it ingratiates them better back into a normal routine in the real-world.
Of course, if you’re on a three-day release from prison, would some rumpy pumpy be the first thing on your mind? But what if you’re single? Can you have a sex-life in prison? Yes you can and these are my five top tips.

#1 Masturbation – also known as onerism, self-pollution, making Popeye wink, double-clicking the mouse, throttling the schlong, playing double-bass or flicking the bean. Although it is widely accepted that it occurs in prison, masturbation is not permitted, as with every area either public, supervised or even at night your cell (which you may share) having an observation window on the door, if you are witnessed having some solo-love time by another prisoner or a prison guard (who can be of either gender), you can be charged with indecent exposure, so masturbation is risky. That said, prison bunk-mates often give each other “private time”, watching the door for the other, and there’s nothing to stop them having a little pocket shuffle or a quick nip to the loo for a hand-shandy.  

#2 Sex Aids. Regardless of gender, although this is classified as contraband and not permitted, it is possible for the incarcerated to make their own sex-aids in prison. Prisoners have been known to insert their tumescent love-trumpets into tub of Vaseline or a jar of warm liver to mimic a lady’s rose-bud. Obviously as Vaseline is a petroleum jelly, any ingestion of the jelly inside the men’s member can cause irritation, and if a lad does insert his prison pecker into a pot of pig’s liver; it needs to be drained of fluid first, placed inside a tight jar no bigger than the width of the appendage and heated to no hotter than body temperature, for fear of blistering the bad-boy’s bell-end. For the ladies or those who prefer “that Mrs Brown receives a quick visit from Dr Hard-Pipe”, sex-toys have been made by melting handfuls of sticky sweets and reshaping them into a phallic object wrapped in cling film, inserting marbles into a condom, hard-boiling some eggs, or pretending your smuggling a mobile phone into prison. Just make sure you’ve washed it first and afterwards. 

#3 Gay sex. If you’re a homosexual man or woman in a same sex prison, surrounded by prisoners of the same sexual persuasion, a sex life may not be all that complicated. But if you’re a heterosexual man in a same sex prison, it can be difficult, unless you decide to be “prison gay”. Prison gay is a cultural loophole designed to assuage a heterosexual man’s sexual needs in a same sex prison. In prison, a man can get himself a sissy, this is a younger more effeminate man (who may or may not be gay, or might be pre-op) who wears feminine clothing. As his sissy is regarded as a woman, when the two men engage in homosexual sex, to other prisoners, this does not mean they are homosexual men.

#4 Abstinence. A difficult one for any person trapped inside four-walls 24 hours a day, for weeks, months and even years with very little to do. There are prison courses teaching the art of abstinence, but the best method is to keep yourself busy, doing sports, hobbies, getting prison duties, or thinking of something boring… like Arsenal (PCAG. “Under Section Thrumpty-Do of the Dissing My Beloved Arsenal Act, what is treason m’lud, I sentence you to having your nasty little block knocked-off. Or you could just buy me a pint”.

#5 Prostitution. Although this is a criminal offence which can threaten their parole, some sex-starved prisoners in UK Prisons who are on ROTL (release on temporary licence) use their day release, not to visit family or friends, but to hook-up with a sex worker. It’s a big risk, but they do it. In some prisons, convicts are pimped out whilst inside, sex-workers have been smuggled inside prison and in the more dangerous Columbian prisons (which are ran by the prisoners, not the guards) they have brothels full of female sex-workers inside a male-only prison.

So you can - sort of - have a sex-life inside a UK prison, if you don’t mind marbles up your chuff, your dick in a dead pig’s intestines and a strictly non-gay pink-flesh-parcel in your backdoor letterbox, but the easiest way to maintain a normal sex life is simply to stay out of prison and then you can beat one off to your heart’s content. Ah great days.

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If you found this interesting? Check out the Mini Mile episodes of the Murder Mile UK True-Crime Podcast, or click on the link below to listen to an episode.

Michael J Buchanan-Dunne is a writer, crime historian, podcaster and tour-guide who runs Murder Mile Walks, a guided tour of Soho’s most notorious murder cases, hailed as “one of the top ten curious, quirky, unusual and different things to do in London”, nominated "one of the best true-crime  podcasts at the British Podcast Awards 2018", and featuring 12 murderers, including 3 serial killers, across 15 locations, totaling 50 deaths, over just a one mile walk